This week I have utterly failed to find the time to write anything on my blog as I have been a) Working all the hours god sends b) Drunk
I feel forced to write about this as it has happened more than 6 times.
Each morning, the 12 minute walk from my front door to my Redchurch St based place of work is plagued. Not by jolly school-children en route to their mecca of learning nor by beggars under my feet asking for Mars bars.
It is not even plagued by tourists asking for directions to some shit-hole or pikeys heading to the nearest Kappa tracksuit outlet.
No ladies and gents, my walk to work is completely fucked up by burly luminecent-clad road and building workers standing across the whole breadth of the pavement drinking tea out of polystyrene cups having a little mothers meeting or story-time at breakfast…
FUCK OFF WILL YOU YOU FAT GRUBBY BAD-SKINNED BASTARDS!!!!!!
En route to work this morning, battling extreme cold and a bitter wind and blinded by occasional shards of bright sunlight, I fell Catastrophically off the pavement and dug a deep ravine in my perfectly formed knee.
A nice man ran up behind be to help and soon I stood once more.
I turned to thank this man but the bastard had just fucked off and it was at this moment that I started crying - oh god… and it went on and on for not only had I carved up my perfect knobbles but more devastatingly, I had grated a huge hole in my favourite DKNY pants. My life is over.
Yesterday was my first day back in the office after Paris - I was suitably exhausted (and still am).
At 4:30pm, and after trying to withstand my regular 4pm fainting episode - I slipped off the the kitchen to toast some cheeky crumpets and lashings of butter topped with ham and have a quick flick of TDM
As I sat, ready to chow down on crumps’ my colleague came up behind me - ‘Tea?’ she asked. ‘Why yes’ I thought, how delightful - tea and crumps’ topped with ham!
Upon realising there was no English Breakfast tea, she offered me Earl Grey and I accepted - though what she served up was a grey/green milky mess - Ladies and gentlemen I give you….
GREEN TEA & MILK!! Which I did finish, it was gross, I feel sick now and that’s probably why.
"BIG ISSUE PLEASE! BIG ISSUE PLEASE! Thank you very much!"… screamed the red coated gent at passers by.
What the hell does he want with more Big Issues? He’s already got about 5 thousand, I thought to myself….
He’s obviously a bit mental, I consider - and chuck him a fiver and say to get some help..
So London Fashion Week has been and gone and I managed to save my own life by crawling back in through the window I jumped out of in desperation.
We still have Milan and Paris to go but for me right this second, time stands still and I think FUCK I HAVE A BLOG, I BETTER UPDATE IT.
Meet P’Trique, my new friend.
OMG! I hear you shout. Is that the same P’Trique from Shit Fashion Girls Say? You know, "I love my bangs, I hate my bangs, I love my bangs"?
Yes, it’s the very same motherfucking P’Trique and she’s my new friend and here we are at a party on the last day of LFW.