I just had a conversation with my Mum about some friends from the village that I grew up with, who today have gone to watch the Ashes dressed as Snow White and the 7 Dwarves. They are 8 boys.
Mummy: BOTTY BOTTY! (this is my nickname) - I just wanted to remind you the boys have gone to watch the cricket today and they’re dressed as Snow White and the seven Dwarves so you should be able to see them on the TV but we cant watch it because we don’t have the channel.
Me: HA! Yes of course! What channel is it on?
Mummy: Ummmmm, 5 Live.
Me: 5 Live is a Radio station.
Mummy: Oh. Well it’s on you know, that thing up there.. Whats it called…?
Me: You mean Sky?
Mummy: Ah yes Sky, I knew it was something like Cloud or Sky or Air…
Me: Right…(?) Ok what channel.
Mummy: The sports channel of course. I mean its not going to be on the Mathematicians channel is it!!???
Me: The Mathematicians channel?! *bursts out laughing* You’re fucking mental! Sky has like 300 channels you farming spastic.
Mummy: oh I see, right….
I had a revelation and decided to be sensible and save a significant amount of monies per month. Unfortunately in order to do this, I have had to give up the following (some more unfortunate than others);
- Spotify Premium
- Internet dating
I hitched a lift from Le G-ma to my mum’s house and waited for my rentals to return from a wedding breakfast - to put the chickens to bed and collect me for the wedding reception.
1 hour passed, then two. No sign of my old lady, so I took off round the farm with my dog and some idiot dog called Harvey who they were dog-sitting, clutching a glass of Prosecco.
Having walked the entire boundary of the farm we were on the home straight. Approaching the very last gate from farm into garden, a heavy padlock stood in our way and as I could not open the gate, I pointed my very clever dog through the space above the fence. FINE. But now had to pretty much act out a short play in order to coerce dick-head Harvey to jump through the gap. I eventually succeeded.
Finally with both dogs the other side of the fence, I began to scale The Gate, My Ben Nevis - clutching my glass of ‘secco for dear life.
As I swung my leg over (eh eh eh.. ooop), dick-head Harvey decided I was no longer a friend but that I was now a dangerous intruder/mortal enemy and proceeded to bark loudly followed by an attack on my flailing heeled leg.
I tried to gently kick him in the head, but the little bastard dodged my aim. I was sure now to have an accident at the mercy of this bumbling canine and so with no other option, I extended my arm and tilted my hand pouring the prescious contents of my glass over Harvey’s big fat head.
Harvey promptly backed off, I jumped down from the gate, on the right side and a now to him a friend once more (as if nothing had happened), I returned to the house to top up my glass…